A Fraction of Friction

Readers beware - I'm not sure what's come over me but these posts are getting more lewd. In that case - just read with one eye and if you know me - don't blush when you see me.

Now let's get on with it. The topic for today's tale - titty fucking. Yep I said it. And I admit - I don't get it.

Boobs - these sensuous supple creatures that have been tempting men for ages. They come in all shapes and sizes and no matter how they are molded – there is one constant – at some point in your life a man will want to put his penis between them.

I don’t want to brag but I have been told and feel that I have a decent rack of ladies. But I have escaped this bedroom ritual for the most part of my life…mostly because I dated an ass man for a decade.

That said – I knew the time would arise when I would try to perform this pre-fornication feat. I didn’t really worry too much about it knowing that my melons wouldn’t let me down. I had visions of raising my arms up in victory after this supposed pleasurable playfulness….I wasn’t prepared for what lied ahead.

Here I am- my D’s in hand ready to do this. And then came the awkward thrusting into the ravine between my mountains. All I kept thinking to myself is – HOW IS THIS ENJOYABLE?? And if he does enjoy it the way he’s supposed to – am I going to have a volcano erupt in my face?

Well I didn’t have to fear the latter because awkward turned into hysterical turned into frustration which turned into a blow job. I didn’t realize that this was such an art form. It was hard enough for me to hang on and squeeze my lovely lady lumps tight enough but I felt like I needed 5 more hands to make this what it should be. I was botching this boob business.

Is there porn for this? Is there a training video? I seriously need one…can someone out there help? And based on the post below yes there was some real lube involved this time. After copious amounts and different paces of friction all I could do was laugh. The scene was laughable. It was amateur hour in the booby boudoir.

To all the titty temptresses out there I commend you – you are better women than me. I feel like I have let my ladies down. But being a perfectionist – I know I will keep trying until I master this rare art form (Insert large Cheshire grin from the BF).

The Treat Mistress

Why KY Why?

I know, I know - no treats in awhile...some have pondered if it's due to a lack of material or a new amourous relationship...actually it's neither - more like laziness and too busy with the day job.

Well back at it folks...Happy Tuesday for most of you reading this or late Monday night...but the object of this post and also of Cosmopolitan's newest issue in which it refers to it as "The Orgasm Whisperer" is LUBE...or what was supposed to be lube.

I'm not one to be too embarassed of sex talk (obviously) or going into sex shops and investigating the freakness of what people are into these days but something about going into a local grocery store, 7-11 or Target to pick up condoms or tampons - makes my face turn red and want to run out of the store as fast as I can.

I mean really - the check out person for these items knows the most initmate things about you - a) you are going to get laid tonight, b) you are getting laid often cause you are running out of condoms, or c) there is a 75% you might be the bitchiest person they ran into today cause you are on your period.

But I digress, back to the lube/almost lube story...it all started on one of these adventures to a local Target that made for the most interesting of night. I was planning some alone time with a new suitor...and let's just say the theme of the party was fire (I also might be a pyro- fyi). So besides tiki torches, hot wings, tic-tac-toast and some other flame related activities - i thought the last thing i needed to pick up was something to heat up the bedroom - if the mood brought us there.

So here in lies the predicament - me in Target - surrounded by families on a Saturday afternoon - trying to find the lube aisle. You don't ever want to stand in the lube aisle for more than 1 1/2 minutes for fear of looking like a sex addict or having moisture problems. So picture me - trying to grab the most cost effective lube - what to aim for - the MOST TRUSTED BRAND IN LUBE HISTORY - KY.

I grab a multi-pack thinking different scents/flavors possibly would add to the evening's sexy time and then haul ass outta there trying not to scare little children or have moms point at lube whore on her swift exit.

Cut to later that evening - after a couple hours of friendly fire fun - it was getting steamy in the bedroom. Both of us are game to use "The Orgasm Whisperer" - I had to say this twice because Cosmo - if all it takes was lube...I might not need a man or men wouldn't need viagra...but back to steamy time...lovvvahh decided to dabble with one of them...and almost immediately it seemed like something was off...mostly from the semi-disturbed look on his face...shortly followed by a "wow this is warmer than I thought it would be." We tried to counter that with using another verion of the lube - but it just heated things up more...and so as not to experience this all by himself or think he was crazy - lovvvahhh thought I should feel the fire....and oh my god - instantly my vagina was on FIRE!

Now imagine the two of us sprinting to the shower for much needed relief... i mean really - what is more endearing to a new guy than dousing his dick in flaming lube and then having awkward shower time. So romantic.

In the daylight - I look at the KY lubes - or rather WARMING LOTIONS - that had apparent warnings on them saying not to use as a personal lubricant....than why call it WARMING LOTION - WHY KY WHY are you making something other than lube??? If I want massage oil - I will go to Bath & Body Works or some hippie inspired store that sells massage oil and incense...not the LUBE aisle where I have 90 seconds to try and grab a cost effective lube and not be judged.

Thank you KY for ruining any chance of whispering or screaming orgasms...

With Love~

The Treat Mistress

Confessions of an e-Harmony Reject

You've all heard about it happening...but really didn't know anyone its happened to - until now.  The first step is admission - I, Treat Mistress, am an e-Harmony reject.

Now online dating is not something I was looking forward to, not something i decided to get into on a whim, probably something i think is semi-creepy and that I would be the person to meet the pedophile ax-murderer with mommy issues - but after a friend of mine met her husband on it - i thought I would give it a shot.

shortly after their engagement - and actually prior to me breaking up with my decade long d-bag...i decided to fill out their q&a for shits and giggles. 45-minutes later - now granted i didn't even write much in the paragraph - use your own words portion - i hit - find my matches....

the computer starts thinking - an hourglass or something appears to let me know its searching for hopefully harmonious men in my area...and then it happens.

"We are sorry to inform you that no matches can be found for you in your area and we cannot process your profile to be in our database.  Please try again in 6 months."

WHAT?!?!?  - Really NOOOOO matches for me?  I fucking live in Los Angeles with about 12 MILLION other people.  Am I that much of a loser that the computer doesn't even think I am lovable? Screw you and your cyber love.

Some friends have told me they thought the site is biased against religions - that it rejects Jewish people - these are the friends who sometimes forget I am not Jewish and went to 13 yrs of Catholic school.  Others tell me it's because I must have skewed my answers because i was still in a relationship - possibly - maybe - but that relationship had been dead for awhile.

I really don't know why I was chosen as not worthy at that moment in time...maybe it was the universe telling me I just wasn't ready...but oh cruel joke you are.  I had visions of me living in an apartment with 5 cats eating mac and cheese for the rest of my life.

Maybe it was trying to tell me that I just wasn't confident enough to hit the online circuit...god knows i had been out of the game for awhile.

Whatever it was - it did make me realize one thing...this existence whatever i was in with the ex - was not enough - not enough to get humiliated by a computer.

About a year later when i was in a better yet still skeptical place - I applied again to be let into this cyber club...this time i was accepted.  Except now the people I was talking to wanted to know why someone like me was on there - what was my "issue" - not sure if that's was supposed to seduce me...instead made me wonder what kind of "crazy"  they had.

I quickly relinquished my subscription to the site without ever going on one date.  Some people will have beef with that - but to them I say - it's only because i know myself so much better now - that I know this will never be for me.

Good luck and much admiration to those that meet their mates with tiny letters that traverse the world through wondrous wires...i however, will have to take my journey to the streets.

Happy Monday Musings~

The Treat Mistress

Romance Police – You Need to be Arrested…

Generally I have bad feeling towards cops … not that I am a deviant or a corrupt individual but I guess the run ins I have had with them through my own experiences and friends experiences has left a bitter taste in my mouth and the following recounting of a recent meeting does nothing to dispel any preconceived notions I have.

After returning from a lovely Lily Allen show at The Wiltern – which was only tainted by “Cousin It” – I mean Lindsay Lohan - running pointlessly on stage at the end…I was kindly dropped off at my WeHo apartment by one of my best gal pals.

As I was getting out of the car, we noticed the PoPo behind us – light kind of bright on us. I hopped out and into my apartment but noticed that he wasn’t moving away. So I scrambled to my bird’s eye porch view now worried as to what was transpiring…granted we may have been travelling a little faster and had a nice buzz wearing off…which made the situation a little more perilous.

Now the cop car lights are on and I am freaking out…minutes later both move off…I frantically call my friend to find out what happened and low and behold….HE WAS HITTING ON HERE...WTF? Creepy on many levels…but it gets worse.

The play-by-play of inappropriate West Hollywood Police drive by pick-ups…

Creepo Act #1 – He already ran her plates and called her by her name and referenced her address

Creepo Act#2 – Quote – “You have really great teeth – did you have braces? I just got mine off – did you wear a retainer? – REALLY – that’s your pick-up line – do you wear a retainer…jesus no wonder you need to pull people over for this.

Creepo Act#3 – He knew her birthday – per the plate running – and asked to be invited to her party???

I could go on – with the fact that he texted her that night – over the weekend and called her at least 3 more times. Um – abuse of power – anyone. Are we really supposed to feel safe by this guy? I mean who wouldn’t let a cop into a building? Thank goodness the messages finally stopped.

So Francois – West Hollywood Cop – please limit your drive by pick-ups…we almost reported you. And it’s creepos like you that sometimes make us date the least offensive D-bag in the room…way to go.

Au Revoir Francois~

The Treat Mistress

Love is Blind – Sometimes I Really Wish

Blind dates…had one? Love them or do you hate them? They are one of those polarizing situations where people swing one way or another on the topic. But who was I to judge – never had one – until this year.

Don’t get me wrong the thought of stranger interaction fueled by alcohol and the pressure to be witty, charming and interesting causes my palms to sweat. But I am thinking out the box here people. Try new things – be a Yes Girl.

So I was…the recruiter in my office – my buddy ole pal – decided to set me up with one of his friends probably because I had been complaining so much about the random D bags I had been meeting in LA. Granted this was not off to a good start from the beginning. His wife had originally told him to never set said blind date up with anyone…but has since changed her mind. So who better to be a guinea pig than me.

A couple e-mails back and forth led to setting the date and time. I picked the place – Laurel Tavern – somewhere I knew I would at least enjoy the experience and far enough away from my apartment that I had the excuse of not drinking too much.

Before said date – my internet stalking led to 2 photos – one which was completely not flattering almost terminally ill type – the other was a complete 360…I was hoping it would all middle out in person. I was a tad annoyed that all this planning and setting up had happened via cyberspace…but whatever – going with the flow.

So we meet up at LT…he’s anxiously standing outside where there’s a line of dudes waiting to get in..woo-wee some sweet eye candy to look at…I am dressed well like I would if going to a tavern – jeans, heels, cute shirt. I say hello and realize I think I may be taller than him with heels. (Recruiter failed to mention any vertical issues).

We go inside which is way too crowded because of a Lakers game…can’t find a place to sit – so we post up against the wall. And then starts the convo. I must say I really tried. He’s a struggling actor who sells soap. So I started with the actor angle – favorite tv show? Movie of the year? Theater? - Answers – I don’t really watch tv, I don’t have Tivo, I only saw The Dark Knight and been meaning to get into theater. HMM – well I can take struggling actor if you could at least fake that you liked entertainment.

OK so music…I rattle off my faves, indie greats, festivals, etc…he looks at me with a blank stare…all I get out of him is - I like the Grateful Dead. Sports? Jesus – really nothing????? I decided that I would just talk to hear myself speak. When he got up to get me a drink I was pleasantly happy that the man now across from us started hitting on me – something with a personality. Oy Vey.

Finally the night is over – hug goodbye – no awkward walk to the car – I feel like I am in the clear – he couldn’t possibly think this went well. WRONG. Two e-mails and one phone call later and I knew I had to do the awkward not so much into you ending. Lame I know.

But I did it…another first out of the way – Blind Date – check…the funniest part of it all was that I was set up by someone who ASSESSES people for a living. I am not sure what he thought we had in common.

Wishing Love was Blind, Deaf and Dumb~

The Treat Mistress

WTF? Why you so passive-aggressive? LOL

I think I may be verging on being ancient...but let's dust off the old school dating book shall we? Can anyone else remember the good ole days when you were waiting for the phone to ring? Happy to hear a voice-mail? Excited to listen to your crushes nervous inflections over the phone?

Damn technology - damn you I say...ok well I really have a love/hate issue with you - but in the world of dating you have made it way to easy to fall into the trap of all non-verbal communication.

Now I am waiting for the gong sound of my texts to go off...waiting for my IM screen to light up...trying to pick the perfect flirty emoticon to go along with my witty banter - (you can only use smiley faces and winks so often).

But seriously boys...don't you understand we love the sound of your voice...there's nothing hotter than raspy vocal shords telling me about their day, favorite music or what you are about to order from the Thai menu...but more than that we crave that connection.

So how do we tear you away from the tiny letters of technology? That my friends I have yet to figure out...

tiny letters lead to tiny steps...just remember a bold sweeping gesture is always appreciated.

Tootaloos~

The Treat Mistress

I Left My Bra in El Segundo

Alas not like the Tribe Called Quest song...i will not get it...not not going to get it....

This story begins from summer's  past when I traversed to the westside for the annual Abbot Kinney Festival with my Portland Pal.  Anytime summer fun combined with cheap booze with a dash of Portland Pal mixes together - chaos is sure to combust.

We headed down to AK on a mission to get to The Brig to meet other westsiders deciding to partake in the days festivities.  Three Stellas into it under a tent - our boredom took hold of us and we needed to mingle...however none of us had it together enough to kick the opening line into a group of random guys near us.

We now introduce "The Wedge" - the friend that has the balls to shoot the shit with anyone and bring her girlfriends into the mix.  "The Wedge" worked her magic and 5 minutes later we were chatting it up with the randoms.   45 minutes later we were dancing drunken fools with the randoms.  3 hours later - large port-a-potty line....insane line...the kind that make you want to squat next to the dumpster instead of waiting.  No - I didn't do that.

Instead I struck up a conversation with a rather interesting shaved head nicely dressed boy from Miami who was also stuck in this line.  Funny convos and small chat led to the invitation for a free drink after the line...yes please fill up my bladder after I empty it very much.

The rest of the afternoon sort of races and blurs but the highlights go  - free drinks from Miami - meet his closest friends, dance, find out he has a broken collar bone and is wearing some sling like type thingy under his shirt, leave the bar for dinner, stare googly eyed at each other all thru dinner and more drinks, get a free tank of gas and drive him to El Segundo where he is staying in his friends apartment.

I know - not smart on many levels - driving to random parts of El Segundo, driving after drinking all day, not paying for a damn thing but hell he was a good kisser so what's a girl to do.

Well - she has her first one night stand - that's what she does...except in reverse...i mean really - i should've known that making out on a blow up mattress in his friends apartment wasn't going to garner a lasting relationship, that and he lives in Miami, but I never expected the following.

During the hot and heavy play - I may have gotten the worst dirty talk ever when he dropped the "You like it you little slut."  Seriously - is that supposed to turn me on.  More like you dumped a cold shower on me.  

So we wrap up and he wants to get this - CUDDLE - what?  really?  - yah that's not going to happen.  I grab my things and head as fast as i could out of El Segundo - unfortunately leaving my bra...

in re-telling this story to my cuz...after she asked where he was from and what he does - it came out like this - he's a cuban from Miami that works in Pharmaceuticals and is in Palm Springs for a conference and he has a broken collar bone.  

I re-interpreted that to myself as  - I just had a one night stand with a cuban drug dealer who was probably shot in a deal gone bad (i.e. the collar bone story and sling).

he texted and called later in the week to see if he should stay in town longer and make plans...this little slut didn't like it one bit and successfully avoided another run in.

My poor bra is still in El Segundo...not going to get it...not not going to get it.

Love~

The Treat Mistress